By Freda Donnelly @ShesBasedBabe
Communication is an art, the practice of which requires discretion and discernment. Two crucial aspects of this art are advising others and accepting feedback in a healthy and productive manner.
Self-awareness is vital to achievement. In order to be externally self-aware, we need to ensure that we understand other’s perceptions. To achieve this, we must learn from those who have walked before us, as they can warn us of pitfalls and help uplift us. As a famous African proverb states, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” However, accepting feedback isn’t always easy. But, take heart because it can be a worthwhile process.
Before I share my tips for accepting feedback, I want to give a note to the well-meaning advice-givers out there. In receiving feedback over the years, I’ve learned that many have a lot of advice to give, but not all of that advice needs to be taken. In fact, not all of it is even applicable. This is why I recommend that advice-givers follow the K.N.I.T. system:
K: Know
N: Necessary
I: Important
T: True
Do you really know the person you’re speaking with? Having this knowledge will allow you to tailor your message so that your intent is understood together with the advice.
Is this advice necessary, or, in other words, is it yours to speak on? I once had a guest on my show with whom I thought I was getting along well until they came out of left field and harshly criticized something that I was working on under the guise of a friendship that wasn’t there yet. In this case, the person both didn’t KNOW me well enough to give the advice in a manner that would have impelled me to consider it, and it was not NECESSARY to give this advice to me since we didn’t have the kind of relationship that invites such critiques.
This is why it is important to take K.N.I.T. altogether when advising someone. While truth is an essential component of this system, the fact that a piece of advice is true doesn’t necessarily mean that it is yours to speak on.
Next, is this advice important to tell the person? For instance, I grew up with the rule, “Don’t give constructive criticism on someone’s appearance that they cannot fix within 5 minutes.” For example, if a woman has lipstick on her teeth, and you’re friendly with her, by all means, discreetly tell her. On the other hand, if she’s out at an event and her dress doesn’t flatter a particular feature of hers, don’t mention it. Just be sure not to go too far in the other direction and become disingenuous, for example, by complimenting someone on a piece of clothing that you hate. After all, that will cause him to distrust you when he does need advice.
While these examples may appear shallow, think through the many situations in which this reasoning can play out, and I’m sure you’ll see the value of this system. Advising someone in his personal life should always come from a place of love, or at minimum, respect for the fact that he is putting his trust in you.
Finally, it is, of course, essential that your advice be true, both in the sense that it is based on true premises (i.e., your friend really does have lipstick on her teeth) and that the advice is a legitimate solution to the problem. However, you must remember that just because what you have to say is true doesn’t mean that throwing it out there will be well-received. That’s another reason why it’s crucial to take K.N.I.T. holistically so that you’re not accidentally throwing little barbs out there and then wondering why they’re being received poorly. Ecclesiastes 3:7 touches upon this when it says that there is ‘a time to keep silent, and a time to speak.’ Knowing which time you are in requires perception.
Preparing for Feedback
Just as the advice-giving process necessitates thoughtful consideration, the art of accepting feedback requires a similar level of discernment and openness. Embracing feedback involves recognizing its potential to propel personal growth and acknowledging that constructive criticism is an invaluable tool for self-improvement. One must be willing to set aside defensiveness and actively engage in understanding perspectives different from our own. While not everyone has your best interests at heart, those who take time out of their busy lives to root for your success and give you feedback to help you continue moving in the right direction deserve to be heard with an open mind.
Many individuals feel that if they’re receiving feedback, it must be because they’re wrong or have done something worthy of landing them in the crosshairs of criticism. This simply is not true. Sure, there are times when constructive criticism can save you from continuing to behave in an unbecoming manner, but feedback is not always measured out with the purpose of highlighting faults. Instead, feedback often serves as a guiding light, illuminating areas where growth and enhancement are possible. Feedback can be a compass pointing towards opportunities for refinement and fostering a path toward achieving your utmost potential. Having a healthy mindset around feedback will allow you to listen with an open mind so as to hear what the giver is truly stating.
Additionally, the sort of relationship you have with the individual offering advice will help frame how their advice should be taken. For example, in the case of a friend or mentor, you already know that this person is rooting for your success, so it’s easy to understand that their guidance is meant to help you get to where you are going.
Preparing to receive feedback is all about mindset. Remember, this person is taking time away from other pursuits and priorities in hopes of helping you benefit yourself either through growth in a positive area or elimination of a negative aspect of your character. Even if it’s difficult to hear, wouldn’t you rather someone who cares about you throw you a life preserver if they see that you’re beginning to sink? Would you really prefer they lean over the edge and proclaim saccharinely, “You’re doing great sweetie!” à la Kris Jenner? One of these approaches will benefit you more in both the here and now and the future, and it’s the life preserver.
Accepting Feedback
Now that you’ve prepared for the discussion at hand, listen attentively. Pay full attention to what is being shared. Listen not to defend but to comprehend. If there are elements of the advice you’re unsure of, ask clarifying questions and seek specific examples to ensure that you understand what’s being communicated. Harnessing active listening techniques such as paraphrasing and summarizing can be beneficial to confirm understanding. If the feedback points to a mistake you’ve made or an area for improvement, acknowledge it humbly. This can be hard, but remember that it’s likely hard for the other person to talk to you about this as well, and getting on the defensive will not make it easier for anyone in this conversation. Instead of lashing out, take a step back and reflect on the advice. Ensure that you understand the full picture that is being presented to you before you respond. Clarify expectations with the person providing feedback to make sure you’re both on the same page.
Occasionally, these types of conversations can become heated. In the event that you disagree with feedback, express your perspective respectfully without dismissing the other person’s viewpoint. Be aware of any personal sensitivities that may affect your response to feedback and manage them accordingly. Instead of attempting to denigrate the other person and put him on the defensive, focus on the content of the feedback rather than the person delivering it and stay in the moment. Don’t assume the feedback is an attack on your character. Focus on the behaviors or actions being discussed and understand that feedback is generally about actions or behaviors, not your entire personality. (This is also why it is helpful to understand the difference between constructive feedback aimed at improvement and baseless criticism).
When you’ve established that you’re both on the same page with the conversation, end it by graciously thanking the person providing feedback, regardless of whether it was expected or not. If a problem was brought up, communicate your dedication to implementing changes based on the feedback received. Follow up with the person who provided feedback to share how you’ve used their input and the impact it’s had. Doing this will help you to cultivate trust and a rapport with individuals who provide you with constructive feedback so that you can continue to help one another grow.
Implementing Feedback
Now comes the time to do something with the feedback. Whether or not you agreed with the entire exchange, there’s something in it will likely prove valuable to you. Extract the beneficial elements from the feedback that can help you improve, even if you don’t agree with everything. If you’re unsure of how relevant the feedback was to you, it may be beneficial to check with additional individuals in your life to gain a well-rounded perspective. Observe recurring feedback themes over time to identify consistent areas for improvement. Reflect on previously received feedback to ensure that you’re continuing on the right path toward ongoing improvement and growth. Creating an action plan from what you’ve gathered will ensure the message doesn’t fall on deaf ears, and implementing these steps will set you on a thriving path to growth and success.
Freda Donnelly is the host of Finding the Faith podcast on Rumble and a freelance researcher, writer, and content creator