Photo Credit: Omar Ram Article by Freda Donnelly @shesbasedbabe
Acceptance is a beautiful word with a tumultuous past. In order to accept something, you need to take action, whether it’s clearing away the dirt in the rearview mirror of a relationship, or embracing the vulnerability of forgiveness. Previously I had written an article about how to make an apology and how to graciously accept one, that was Apology 101. Walk with me now through something more difficult, in Apology 102, namely, that of accepting the apology that never comes.
Friendship Fractures
In the realm of friendships fractured by betrayal, apologies often linger unspoken, like unsent letters tucked away in the recesses of our hearts. The silence speaks volumes, echoing the pain of unaddressed grievances and the ache of severed connections. In such instances, the act of accepting an apology becomes more than just a reconciliation between two individuals—it becomes an internal dialogue of self-preservation and self-forgiveness. It’s a journey through the labyrinth of hurt, where walls built by betrayal stand tall, obscuring the path to healing. Yet, amidst the rubble of broken trust, there lies a glimmer of hope—a chance to transcend the bitterness and find solace in acceptance.
In The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis states, “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
Repentance & Regret
After we’ve jumped on a bomb that we’re unable to diffuse—while intending to ensure the safety of those around us–we can wonder if relationships are worth it, while we’re removing the shrapnel that someone left in us. It’s disorienting when the damage is done by those we’ve ridden into battle with, causing the sensation of ice in our veins. So disorienting in fact that everyone’s true colors show and masks slip while the deafening reverberations of unseen fractures create a tinnitus-like haze, leaving us grappling in the aftermath of shattered friendships. We realize that we can assume the roles of victor or victim, yet there exists a secret third option: to opt out of the false narrative entirely and refuse to engage in the mudslinging with the individual who caused the hurt.
It’s possible to allow this heinous heartbreak to become like a monster that lives under your bed, instead of one that resides rent-free in your head, provided you give yourself enough time. Mark Twain famously stated, “Never argue with fools. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” When you’ve seen that their repentance is not forthcoming, and you can no longer love this individual up close like you’ve become accustomed to, the next most loving thing you can do is to disallow someone you care for to keep sinning against you.
New Narratives
It’s far too easy to close your heart like a book, and believe your story is over. Instead, I challenge you to write a new narrative. By that, I don’t mean to rewrite history by any means. When they’re tossing out blame, drunk on this pain, crossing out the good years, choose a healthier option. Don’t ruin your name by attempting to tackle them into the mud they slung on you.
If you’ve allowed them to temporarily take your joy, dig your heels in when your feet are to the fire, and claim the lessons from this hardship. Don’t give yourself more regrets, and don’t regret that you showed them who you are as a friend. They may no longer deserve this special place in your life, but that doesn’t mean you should overreact and burn everything to the ground. Should you “expose” them by pointing an accusatory finger—even by sharing the straight unemotional facts—three will point back at you inherently. Don’t give those slinging mud more dirt.
Apology Acceptance: Going with Grace
Acceptance is not the first stage of grief. Although anyone who’s truly grieved understands that grief is coded, and the code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules. Due to this, acceptance is likely to come in waves. Face inwards and ask yourself what aspects you may have negatively contributed to this debacle. Reflect and meditate on this. If you’re religious, pray fervently. Not only for yourself, but also for them. This course of action will allow you to suck the poison out, and aid you in uncovering potential pitfalls. Share only the full details with those who are your most trusted confidantes, individuals who will not only support you but also challenge you to grow. However, refrain from approaching this as mere gossip; instead, let your intention be centered on the pursuit of healing.
The likelihood of individuals attempting to get the tea, potentially report back, or make sense of your shift in friendship and mood is high. Your fingers can tingle to type back the scathing truth to these inquiries, yet succumbing to these impulses risks derailing your healing progress—like taking two steps forward and one step back. I implore you to resist the temptation to betray yourself in these moments. Craft your responses with care, ensuring that even if they were to fall into unintended hands, they wouldn’t exacerbate the situation. Let your words be a reflection of your commitment to your well-being and growth. By guarding your responses and refraining from succumbing to the urge to divulge every detail, you not only protect your well-being but also uphold the integrity of your personal growth. Embrace the power of discretion and self-respect, for in doing so, you honor the path towards genuine healing and inner peace.
Life is messy and relationships can be entangled. When you lose a singular person in your inner circle, those on the outer edges may follow with their own blunt objects crashing into your shoulder blades as they leave you behind. These individuals, preferring slander about you to the harsh truth of reality, aren’t the loses they may at first appear to be. Hold the door and wish them well. After all, the great John F. Kennedy said, “Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.” Part of healing involves refusing to let bitterness stain our hearts. Such emotions have no place in our future, so don’t allow them to haunt you. Inspired by Lauren Conrad’s words to Heidi Montag, “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you,” let us strive to shed the weight of negativity as we embrace life’s beauty. Remember, life is too lovely and too short to carry knives that serve no purpose other than to wound.
Vigilance & Virtue
Navigating the breakup of a friendship demands more than just emotional resilience; it requires a steadfast vigilance against the lurking trap of cognitive dissonance. This psychological phenomenon, akin to wearing rose-tinted glasses in the midst of a storm, has the uncanny ability to obscure reality and amplify inner turmoil. When facing the dissolution of a friendship, cognitive dissonance can be insidious, tempting us to cling to fond memories while ignoring the jagged edges of discord that led to the fracture. Unchecked cognitive dissonance prolongs the healing process, trapping us in a cycle of denial and emotional turmoil. By turning a blind eye to warning signs or rationalizing away troubling behaviors, we risk sacrificing our emotional well-being on the altar of nostalgia.
Similarly, it’s imperative not to readily accept every rumor circulating about them that finds its way back to you. Despite witnessing contrasting facets of their character, indulging in malicious gossip serves no purpose, regardless of any potential truth it may hold. While it’s natural to recognize their flaws, entertaining insidious remarks doesn’t align with your goal of fostering understanding and growth. If you become aware of their struggles, consider reaching out to mutual connections to offer support or assistance. If you’re not yet ready to engage directly due to the damage wrought by their behavior, consider sending them positive thoughts or praying for them instead. In essence, staying vigilant against cognitive dissonance equips us to navigate friend breakups with integrity and strength. By confronting the truth head-on, we clear the path for authentic healing and seize control of our emotional journey, allowing us to steer toward a future illuminated by hope and possibility.
Reclaiming Repose
Let’s recognize that the acceptance of a friend’s apology, even if it never arrives, is a multifaceted endeavor. It’s not just about forgiveness; it’s about reclaiming our own sense of peace and self-worth. When we are faced with the absence of an apology, we are confronted with a void—a gap between what we expected and what transpired. Accepting an apology that never arrives challenges us to confront the reality of the situation and the limitations of others. It forces us to acknowledge that we cannot control the actions or choices of those around us, but we can control our responses and perceptions. In doing so, we reclaim agency over our emotional well-being and assert our own worth independent of external validation. Furthermore, the process of accepting an apology that remains unspoken invites us to reflect on the nature of forgiveness itself. It prompts us to consider whether forgiveness is solely for the benefit of the other person or if it also serves as a means of liberation and healing for ourselves.
When we graciously decline to harbor toxic individuals within the sanctity of our hearts, we liberate space for those whose principles align seamlessly with our own. You wouldn’t have been shocked by the behavior of the person who hurt you if that was the type of behavior you engaged in and sanctioned, but it’s not. Therefore, opt for those who embody goodness and inspire growth, rather than those who propagate negativity and inflict harm. Hence, let us invest our invaluable resources—time, energy, skill, love, money—in relationships that resonate with our true essence and aspirations, rather than indulging with those who thrive on drama and turmoil.
Accepting an apology that never comes is a testament to our inner strength and resilience. This mature behavior signifies our ability to navigate the complexities of human relationships with grace and dignity. It’s about taking back control of our narrative and refusing to let the actions of others define our worth. By choosing to prioritize relationships that align with our values and aspirations, we pave the way for genuine growth and fulfillment. As we move forward, let’s embrace the lessons learned from our past experiences and approach each new connection with an open heart and a renewed sense of self-assurance. Here’s to writing our own story, fearless and free, with every step we take toward a brighter tomorrow, creating a future filled with meaningful connections and endless possibilities.