By: Freda Donnelly @shesbasedbabe
Jane Austen observed, “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” Widely recognized as well is that everyone has preferences in terms of the types of people they are interested in dating, and in general, there is nothing wrong with this. However, due to factors such as the rise of the manosphere and red pill content within the raging culture war, a certain misogyny has taken root in the dating world and dating content. Neither misandry nor misogyny is beneficial for healthy and productive relationships, whether platonic or romantic in nature.
The Ideal Woman
This week, a meme spread like wildfire through the Twitterverse, which purported to describe the ideal woman through a list of assorted characteristics. Some of these characteristics could be described as skills that are beneficial for men and women alike to possess and that are helpful when crafting the enduring partnership that is marriage. These include such (sometimes oddly phrased) items as “knows cooking” and “lives a healthy lifestyle.” Other characteristics in the meme fall into the category of values such as “conservative” and “religious,” not to mention “high morals” and “not woke.” “Hates degenerates” could also be included here. Surely, shared values are critical to the success of any true relationship, especially when that relationship rises to the level of the intimate sacrament of marriage. Finally, the meme lists subjective ideals such as “feminine” and “extremely beautiful.” Of course, beauty, both behaviorally and aesthetically, is naturally desirable; however, we have to acknowledge that the demonstration and appreciation of it can vary widely.
The Fatherlessness Crisis
Things start to get a bit dicey with the meme’s understandable but somewhat concerning qualification, “has healthy relationship with her father,” implying that orphans need not apply. This one is a double-edged sword as, in this horrible culture, far too many young people, women and men alike, don’t have fathers. There truly is a fatherlessness crisis in this country across all demographics, though disproportionately affecting some communities more than others. While some fathers have chosen to remove this sacred responsibility from their shoulders, others have had it taken from them without a choice. My own father was murdered when I was a toddler. In other cases, widely mentioned—and for good reason—in the manosphere, men become victims of our culture, which incentivizes divorce, enabling their wives to keep them from their children. No matter what the circumstances, those of us who have lost our fathers, for whatever reason, are still worthy of the love and protection we should have had from a father. And while the loss of a father is always traumatic, it doesn’t inherently cause character flaws.
With this being said, I do believe that if a woman has a father with whom she has a strong and loving relationship, it’s a green flag. Understanding how a woman treats the head of the family who’s already presiding in her life can give you a good idea of how amiable she is. Likewise, how men treat their mothers can offer insights into their capacity for respect and kindness towards women in general. Ultimately, how your romantic interest treats others, both those closest to them and those who can do nothing for them, will help inform you as to their character and how they’ll treat you.
Fostering Healthy Relationships
Continuing down the rabbit hole, we see that this meme alleges a number of ideals that are, at best, unclear and, at worst, nonsensical. In charity, let’s try to examine this without giving my dear editor an aneurism. Based on the rest of the meme, it’s my guess that “Talks to males only till its work related” should have been “Talks to males only when it’s work related.” Of course, this would preclude a woman from engaging in the dating world, speaking with her male relatives, and having platonic and chaste male friendships. In fact, that last point is specifically addressed with “has no male best friend” and “has only female friends.” Let’s explore this idea further to gain perspective on its points and pitfalls.
Friendship is a solid cornerstone for building a marriage. If you don’t have the initial shared bond of friendship, it can be harder to build an authentic and transparent relationship. Friendship lays the groundwork for a thriving marriage by weaving a sturdy fabric of trust, respect, and understanding between partners. When couples share a robust friendship at the core of their relationship, it paves the way for open communication, unwavering support during tough times, and cherished moments of togetherness. A mutual initial bond of friendship sets a smoother course for couples as they journey through the highs and lows of married life, already basking in a profound connection and a comforting sense of camaraderie. This bond fosters a sanctuary of comfort and assurance within the relationship, allowing partners to freely express themselves, knowing they’re embraced without judgment. My husband went from being a handsome stranger to a cherished friend to the love of my life, and it has truly served our marriage in ways large and small.
This isn’t to say that all male-female friendships are built equally. To this day, I still have male friends. In fact, I have a stream moderator who is an absolute delight of a gentleman. I’m blessed to be able to joke with him and compliment him without fearing that he’ll misinterpret things. Why is this? First, he was raised right. Second, we respect each other’s boundaries. And third, he’s also friends with my husband. On the other hand, I’ve had the misfortune in the past of believing, due to my naivety, that I had male friends, only to have my husband point out their less-than-pure motives. I immediately stopped being friends with them.
So, it makes sense to be cautious in the realm of male-female relationships. The problem with the meme is that it seems to be encouraging subjugation of one’s wife, that is, excessive control or dominance over one’s spouse or romantic partner, which is deadly for a marriage. Subjugation in relationships often manifests as attempts to micromanage the other person’s actions, thoughts, or emotions, leading to feelings of suffocation and resentment. This behavior can stem from insecurities, possessiveness, or a desire for power and dominance.
But, it’s mutual trust, respect, and open communication that are essential ingredients for fostering a supportive and nurturing environment in which each person can thrive and grow. Ultimately, fostering a healthy balance of power and autonomy is vital to building a strong and lasting bond built on love, understanding, and mutual support. The key factor in any friendship, regardless of gender, is mutual respect and understanding. While some male-female friendships thrive due to shared boundaries and genuine respect, others falter when motives are less than pure. I know for a fact that I’m not the only woman—married or single—who’s experienced this. It’s a lesson learned through experience, underscoring the importance of discernment in cultivating and sustaining healthy relationships.
Further Debunking the Ideal Woman Meme
The meme’s remaining alleged ideals are “doesn’t accept flirting” and “only into marriage.” A variety of men and women alike on Twitter, including myself, were understandably confused with “doesn’t accept flirting.” It seems to imply that the ideal woman rebuffs advances and romantic banter, leading many to question how one could court a woman like this. There’s a reason millennials and Gen Z alike have a “talking stage” of relationships, as it’s perhaps the first step on the road of romance. While seething soyboys and barking basement dwellers flip their collective lids, it might behoove them to consider whether the types of men looking for a woman like this would actually be well suited for her. “Would she like me? What do I bring to the table besides a laundry list of demands? Do I even have a table?” are all good questions to ponder.
As far as “only into marriage,” this could have multiple meanings as well. Is the woman’s only pursuit or interest in life that of marriage? If so, that will certainly make for a boring dating life as you get to know her. What would you do or even talk about? On the more charitable end, perhaps this is intended to mean that this type of woman isn’t looking for an alternative relationship such as a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits situation. Of course, that is absolutely fair. These types of situationships cheapen the bond between men and women in line with our consumer culture that often looks past sacred things in favor of dopamine-driven desires. If it is, in fact, that one is looking for a potential mate who is also looking solely for a courtship that leads to marriage, this may be one of the most astute points in this meme.
Reaction and Response
On Wednesday, I Tweeted in response to the meme, “I have a theory that those who claim this is their IDEAL woman wouldn’t like her if they met her.” To my surprise, this post garnered significant engagement on Twitter, having received 499,000 views as of publication, and I noticed that there were essentially three types of people showing up in my comments in response.
The first group was somewhat expected, the lovely single women who have all of the best characteristics of this illustrated anomaly yet are trashed daily for “having standards that are too high,” and “thinking a lot of themselves.” These fine women, from pastry chefs to teachers to nurses, are actually hated by the very kind of man who posts this meme unironically despite being as beautiful on the inside as they are on the outside. They’re crushed with poisonous words daily, receiving mountains of hate mail in their DMs from the incels who posit that this is the perfect woman. Why? To summarize the comments under my post, “These men are looking for a sterile ideal of a sex doll who can mother them while giving her nothing of value in return.” Some good men who have noticed this vicious trend weighed in as well, with statements such as, “I try to discourage young men from calling ‘need wife’ into an abyss from [which] they do not wish to find a wife, like some dying species of song bird, but alas…” These observations shed light on a troubling societal trend that perpetuates harmful stereotypes and unrealistic expectations, ultimately leading to the marginalization of exceptional women who deserve nothing but respect and admiration for their authenticity and integrity.
The second group consisted of maladapted individuals whose discontent could be palpably felt through their bitterness, often projected through vile words calling me all manner of insults (which I took in stride as I know that my single friends deal with this on a daily basis). This experience did make me even sadder for my amazing single female friends, though, because I can see how these insults could echo in intrusive thoughts, settling into their brains when they’re alone at night and causing a sinking sense that perhaps these wretched expressions and seething sentiments are in part, true, with their relationship status being evidence of that. It’s easier to be on the receiving end of harsh words when you firmly understand your relationship status and the nature of it.
The third group were the sweet unaware men, the precious souls who—unlike the incels—actually like women. Several of them expressed sentiments such as, “That’s my wife!” or “I married her!” They shared heartwarming anecdotes about meeting and falling in love with the women they cherish, often recounting how they met during their time at Bible college. These charming men told tales of beautiful families and treasured wives that made my heart sing. I immediately recognized that they hadn’t seen the trend that many of us were aware of, so I wanted to inquire for an expanded perspective. I responded to each of these men with this, “When (seemingly, just because I haven’t had the pleasure) wholesome men such as yourself comment this you’re coming from an entirely different place than the men who hate women who are actually using this as a sterile ideal. I’m so happy that you have an amazing wife! I bet she’s the bees’ knees, truly. However, wouldn’t you say that she has:
• Opinions
• Thoughts
• Feelings
• Nuance
• Abilities
As well? The things that make her, HER and differentiate from a sterile fetishism? Further, maybe I’m wrong, but you don’t strike me as the kind of man who harasses single women online for being these things and then whining about their ‘high standards’ or that they’re ‘pretentious’ because you’re over there loving your lovely wife. Yet, I see this happen daily to my phenomenal single female friends. This is compounded by the red pill manosphere. So the angle that you’re approaching this is wildly different from the many women who’ve gone through this. While I’m happy for you, I hope this gives context.”
This initiated a heartfelt exchange with a lawyer named Jacob Whitehead, who sent me the following message.
“Great thoughts and questions! To be honest, until seeing your post, I hadn’t given it a ton of thought or put it in writing, but here goes. My wife has so many ‘opinions, thoughts, feelings, nuance, abilities,’ as you say, that it overflows! There is no question about that. Every truly great woman does, I would imagine. And, my opinions, thoughts etc routinely conflict with hers on many issues, but not usually the most important issues.
I think marriage is like a mirror your spouse holds up to you. If you don’t correct the issues she spots, you are doomed. Conversely, my wife has had to learn how much/fast she can try to force me to improve at a time. While I have had to learn humility when I am wrong and how to communicate back in a loving way when she is wrong.
It has been a funny dance that can be easily unbalanced. Good marriages seem to take a lot of work but will blossom. Bad marriages result when one or both give up the fight.
I did not marry the perfect woman (and I am not perfect), but she certainly has blossomed into it. And we both have been too stubborn to quit. We now have 5 beautiful little girls and have been married 18 years. Which has gone by in a flash!
The red pill stuff is vile. I think modern society has created a whole hoard of mal-incentives for both women and men. It teaches women to search for happiness in areas that will never naturally result in happiness. But the solution for men is not to shame women over it but to find the diamonds in the rough. The [girls] need to find the boys who will grow into men.”
This heartfelt exchange with Jacob sheds light on the genuine and wholesome perspectives of men who cherish their partners and value the complexities of their relationships. Jacob’s reflections underscore the importance of mutual growth, communication, and resilience in a successful marriage. As he aptly puts it, good marriages require effort and commitment, but the rewards are immeasurable. Moreover, his condemnation of harmful ideologies like the red pill movement highlights the need for a more compassionate and understanding approach to relationships in modern society. Ultimately, Jacob’s words serve as a poignant reminder that true love and respect transcend societal norms and expectations, offering hope for building meaningful and enduring connections.
Through the lens of the ideal woman meme, we have witnessed both the perpetuation of harmful stereotypes and the resilience of individuals who defy societal expectations. The diverse reactions to the meme highlight the nuances of contemporary discourse surrounding gender roles, dating culture, and personal values. As we reflect on these insights, let us also recognize the broader implications for society and the opportunities for growth and understanding. In closing, I’d like to quote my favorite author and cherished friend, Faith Moore, who tweeted, “Far be it from me to tell you whom to marry, but it seems to me that if you’re overly specific about what your future spouse must be like, you run the risk of rejecting out of hand the person who would’ve made your heart sing.” Let us embrace the beauty of individuality and celebrate the richness of human connection in all its forms.
Freda Donnelly is the host of Finding the Faith podcast on Rumble and a freelance researcher, writer, and content creator