By: Bethany Rivers @notblindfolded
Last week, the story circulated through social media of a man who created a sex spreadsheet documenting every occasion on which his wife “denied him sex.” If you don’t see the inherent issue with presenting such a spreadsheet to your spouse or others, I recommend marital counseling. Let me break it down for you.
Although the timeline we see is certainly not a good goal for married couples, Sex Spreadsheet Man is being ridiculously petty because he’s only trying to build a woe-is-me, I’m-the-victim case. He doesn’t care how his wife feels about it, and he’s not even trying to get sex. I’ll prove it.
This information is reasonable to gather if you’re trying to find a pattern for when a good time is for your partner. My husband and I have talked about what times of day are best for us, what activities we prefer uninterrupted, and what turns us on vs what doesn’t. Sex Spreadsheet Man, however, repeats his request for sex in situations in which it has already been denied, such as when his wife is exhausted, watching TV (which also looks like exhaustion), and feeling gross. This demonstrates that he is not trying to gather information.
Further, he is not trying to work with her needs. A guy is ready to go much sooner, and as just shown, he’s not only unwilling to meet her on terms appealing to her, he acts like sex is only for him.
Two Clues in the Sex Spreadsheet:
- He claims it can get done well within 20 minutes, although women take an average of 17.5 minutes.
- She’s “tender” from sex the day before. This indicates that she did not enjoy that sex, but she gave it to him anyway.
If he were actually trying to get sex, there are many ways he could address these denials:
- He could follow up by asking, “When’s a good time?” or simply wait for the particular obstacle (exhaustion, TV show, etc.) to pass to ask again.
- He could take steps to make her feel valuable instead of “dirty and gross.”
- He could work to make sex pleasant for her.
- He could kindly find out if there’s something else going on like maybe she’s upset about HOW PETTY HE’S BEING.
- Since she’s often exhausted or busy, he could potentially talk to her about a more relaxed work schedule (The objection “but we need that money!!!!” Immediately springs to mind. He clearly needs the sex, though).
- As stated before, he could avoid situations she doesn’t prefer and seek out those she does.
Look, there’s more going on here than her saying no—that atmosphere feels like the brink of divorce. Intimacy means more than just “sex;” it means being part of another person—emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Talking with your wife, praying with your wife, and cuddling with your wife—all of that comes before sex. If you’re not able to jump right in, you’re probably lacking in one of those areas. Finding the cause could be far more effective than a sex spreadsheet.
I am a flawed, dysfunctional, confusing, annoying, boring, rarely pretty human being, but my husband treats me like the most precious and valuable person in the world like I’m a princess on loan in his humble dwelling. I try to show my husband the tremendous admiration, love, and respect I truly have toward him, even at times when the feelings aren’t as strong. Intimacy doesn’t begin with sex; it drives sex. Instead of evaluating what your spouse should be doing, you should be looking at what actions you can take to help.